Another creation

 

A Painting Project, Post 1

So... It's been a while. 

And life has been busy for sure. 

Recently I was thinking of getting back to writing and such, but the journalling does not come easily for me, so I need somewhere to start. I also have wanted to start painting, and bought a painting thing at the dollar store that came with a grey-scale canvas (so the picture is NOT mine), and some small tubes of acrylic paint (black, white, yellow, green, blue, and red). 

The package has a picture on it of how the manufacturer envisioned people would paint the picture... And at first I thought I might just follow that style and colour scheme. 

Here is a picture of the package picture - a bit blurry 

A cute cottage still life painting, simple enough.

And after starting and a bit of playing with the colours... I decided that I would go as detailed and complex as I would be happy with... And seeing as I have never painted a full painting before, I accepted the fact that it could take a while and a bunch of effort to give it everything I could. 

And! In making it more my own I decided on changing three aspects of painting the drawing template... 

1) I used black to touch up and darken some of the lines so it was easier to see the different angles and faces of the cottage. 

2) My painting would be set at night.

3.1) After darkening the lines, I also decided that I really didn't like the "thatched roof ends", as they don't seem to match, or fit, with the 2 bay windows and the gabled entry awning.

*As a side note -- last fall I began the journey of going back to college as a mature student, in a Mech. Eng. Technician program, and have thoroughly enjoyed the engineering principles I have learned so-far. Often, I find ways to try and apply what I have learned in my day-to-day life... 

3.2) Although I am NOT an Engineer, I redesigned the roof to have gabled ends ... Hehe 🤭. It seems to me that they fit the general design of the structure in a more complimentary and realistic way. 

 

I wish that I had started taking pictures at every stage so I had a record to look back over and evaluate what I liked and would like to change or work on... But I didn't -Oh well 🤷.

So here is the first one I took - after approx 6 or 7 hrs (over 3 days). 

My wife and daughters say it's good, and I think it looks ok, but all I see is where things don't look the way I want or hoped...

After this point yesterday, I started to see that if I wanted to line up the shadows I could use having an actual light source (moon)... 

Here is today's progress with: a darkened sky, started adding darkened sky through the large tree, a moon, and some clouds.

*Also this picture was taken with the curtains open during the day, so the colours are more vibrant than the last.

Thanks for checking out my painting project, and hopefully you check back for tomorrow to see the progress.

Cheers,

Lost and dumping

I'm here again, sitting on my porcelain throne, I squeezed out my daily contribution to our civic septic system. Often sitting here has a certain... peace. I find myself thinking, and overthinking, about mostly my contributions - also possible future contributions - to my mental septic system. Today I find myself wondering about why I can't do the things I want to do specifically the idea I recently had to establish a charitable organization with the goal of helping homeless people reconnect - not so much reconnecting with other people or the world - more with their own humanity. But how... How can you possibly achieve that Jamaal??

I wonder if any of us stop and think about wether someone in our social circle, or family even, have had someone who has been touched, or taken by homelessness. Maybe you've been fortunate, maybe all your family and friends have been fortunate but I would hazard to guess that if we were to stick our feelers out into our six degrees of separation it wouldn't take very many degrees to realize that we all have someone in our lives for some reason or another believes that they are no longer wanted, that they are no longer loved. There may be someone only an arm's length away from you, who does not want to be themselves, in their lives... And so how could the world want them, the whole world - people on the other side, and the people right beside.
I don't have to wonder for myself or my loved ones... I, myself have struggled with mental illness for a long time I've battled it on the front of depression - that overbearing, overshadowing, and infecting hopelessness. And also battled on the front of PTSD,  because when I was 16 year old teenager traveling by myself I got in a car with a stranger offering rides and there is nothing like what happened to me to impress upon a young mind but there's something wrong with them something nobody would want.
Some of us are fortunate though, that we were born into a large family, maybe... Or, that one finds and accepts us. And so, like myself some of us get to wake up everyday and see loving humans around us reminding us that we're wanted we're valuable...
we're human,
no matter what...
these people remind us...
that we're human no matter what!
I know for a fact there were times in my life that if I did not have my amazingly supportive wife, or my wonderful loving daughters... I could easily be homeless. 

"But I can't do it. I'm not smart enough. I don't have the education. I'm not confident enough. I can't do it... "

These are the types of thoughts that automatically pop to mind for me when I try to think of doing anything, I become overwhelmed with these disparaging thoughts that try to find every crack every weakness in who I am and exploite them... All my fears about who I am as a person defined by what I know, what I've read, who I know, what I can do, and what I can't do.
Thankfully, I've learned through many years of therapy, counseling, and reading books, that these thoughts are mainly made up in my mind as a collection of critical thoughts and voices I've heard over my life, that I've left unchallenged. When I attempted something and struggled and felt like someone I looked up to thought less of me for struggling or failing... I took that moment as an impression saved it because watching someone I looked up to be disappointed in me was something I didn't want to feel. It hurt.

Have you ever disappointed someone, and felt horrible about it?
Have you ever disappointed someone and been made to feel horrible about it?
What if you began to believe that after so many times of being made to feel horrible for disappointing someone... that you must be horrible!
What if you believe that both; you will always fail and always disappoint someone, and also that this is because you are horrible.

I imagine a fair number of homeless people feel horrible, and when you are a  horrible disappointment you're terrified of disappointing even one more person. And so a homeless person resigns themselves to just not trying because they believe they are always going to fail. I can see how they would come to believe also that anyone who previously cared or say that they love them no longer does... I'm not even homeless, but I know that the critical self-destructive automatic thoughts in my mind would go for the jugular every time. That if I were to ever think the maybe somebody out there still cares about me or loves me that it would be better for them to forget about me because I will never be any more than horrible.

So if I were to ask you, would it surprise you if you learned that homeless people choose to stay homeless because they're terrified of disappointing you, cripplingly. You - the people that they still love - who they firmly believe don't love them back.

And so let me ask you if you could pick up the phone right this moment to tell someone
that you love them
no matter where they're at!!
no matter what they are struggling with!! no matter how hard they struggle even if they never overcome their struggles - that you still love and care about them...
Would you?
Even if you couldn't help them get out of their homeless situation? (Would you feel bad about that)
But you love and care about someone you can't help?

If no? Why not?

I know it's hard to think about homelessness sometimes because it's a gruesome and ugly truth... And what can we do about it anyway?!?

Imagine for a moment - you or a close loved one was recently diagnosed with stage 9000 cancer, shaped like a tuna fish, heaven forbid. And were given 3 weeks to live...  However, someone has devised a way to communicate with the cancer and hashes out how to cut a deal to stay your death - would you come to the table? What if the cancer wants to be left alone as is, no nuking or zapping it's members, and it will release it's tendrils from all major and essential organs and you get to continue living... Would you take it?

How surprised would you be if those cells started returning to normal functioning cells?

Hypothetically and metaphorically speaking.

I have a brother who is living on the streets of Vancouver right now. I don't have the money and or other resources to go and find him, but if I did ... If I could... I would give him the biggest hug tell him that he's always been my hero, I've looked up to him my whole life as my older brother, I know he felt a tremendous responsibility to be a leader of eight siblings to be a man a very young age... And I know, because I watched, he struggled, he lost jobs, he had disagreements with bosses and employers, he fights with  authority figures in general, and yet... he carried on. I watched him never give up, never back down, and because of it, eat dirt on the regular. I know I learned vicariously through him that those who stand up, those who speak out, get kicked and stepped on.
And I'm pretty sure he just doesn't want to be stepped on. any. more. But he's still here, for now. And I bet with enough love and care, therapy, and counseling... He can see all his struggles as learning opportunities instead of failures. He can figure out who that makes him what that says about his character, but it needs to start with him wondering "who am I", he needs to realize that there's something worthwhile in that question, he's tucked that box away in the recess of his mind... Because it's also where he stores his failures and disappointments...
And the box will fight him, telling him that he's worthless because he will only fail again, and so therefore it's not worth it, he's not worth it...

I want to tell him the value he has brought my life though, I want to tell him I love him no matter what's going on, and I want to have a way to be able to reach him - to help him find his value as a human again!!  Why don't we have a way to reach them?

Why do some of us not want to reach them?

Help me help us.

HumanCycle (name idea)
Egoless

Icarus

By Jamaal K Betts

Broken
-Sundering
--You're sweet tendrils spilling

Over
-Entangling
--You're tender vibrations stiring

Every
-Enchanting
--You're gentle creations stealing

Moment
-Invading
--You're sincere expressions feelling...

Since first drowning in your eyes
Entire universes have met demise,

- the depths of every thought
- something, without you, frantically sought,

-- stranger for you my soul thirsts
-- heart can't take it... then it bursts

To free this labyrinth,
Shall we fly into the sun,
Knowingly going to be undone...

Why infinity is a lie

by JKBetts

Here is a silly thought that I had,
The number 8 must really suck,
though everyone thinks infinity is rad,
truth is, 8 fell over and got stuck...

Forever.

When CL hits you right in the feels...

So... yes... this is a confession... sort of...

Two things;
1.) I apologize for the senseless use ellipses in the opening sentence.

2.) I sometimes find myself bored and peruse the "missed connection" section of CL(Craigslist) and may indulge in laughing sometimes ad hystaria.

Now moving on.

Robin! To the interesting stuff!

Na

Na

Na
Na na na nahaahaaah....

While reading "the CL" I came across a post that made me emotional, and inspired me to write a writen thingy, in writing of course - for all who have ever had to say goodbye to someone they were not ready say goodbye to yet. Read it slowly and imagine the person is there reading it to you.

From the arrows' pile of ash,

Inspired by CL feels,
Written by JKBetts

Hey there you sitting in ol' corner,
To a pine that grows deep I am no foreigner,
especially beyond their mere pressence -
soul, and being, and every part of their essence.

I hope if it is a thirst never to be quenched for you,
Then may your heart grow numb and the memories few,

May your heart be shielded by your jade growing tears,
A diamond may be forever,  working with jade also takes years,

One day - chosen from many,
when a skilled hand could have chosen any,
Gently it rubs off the grub, cleans and scrubs off the mud,
Careful and tender, seeing the beauty under,
Finally it reaches and breaches your heart,

Let those hands in to begin their art,
'twill take years this is just the start,
But with supprts not just empty walls,
No snide retorts - only love in these halls,

Though the ramparts of Solitude seemed to protect you,
So does a dragon guarded tower two,
But no one should live in the bastions of Lonley-nest,
For all souls find that the quest for rest, at home be best,

A new truth dawning, 'tis wanting,
an adventure taken jaunting, Wanting,

When that wanting is vise,
Then wanted for Versa shall nicley suffice,

This is when you will find no more,
Those painful memories were so sore,
Deplore!
knock on hearts door,
So boor!
Invaded again - emotions asail the moor
holding the cure,
yet still unsure...
Collapsing with your jade tears to the floor,

Hair parted, fears departed, though still guarded,
That skilled, worn, gental, warm hand that understands,
that won't run off - on another change of plans.
You let continue the work it started,

One day you may find not a knight or prince,
A meger soul that may not convince,
Your heart though - it will evince,
Under the honorus moil, not even once wince,
spoil or boil,
Your name on the lips - never to soil,
To build-up, sweet words that make you feel royal,

This I hope, for you I hold faith,
for those too are required,
without them surley your love has retired,

So keep your candel lit and your fire bright,
For the other side of even the darkest night,
Pry open your eyes, and keep your sight,
That one day you will; live, breath, and feel that promised day light,
You shant remain an ashen site,
Busrt forth again, your soul ignite,
take flight.

Story telling

Well, at least it hasn't been a few months, so that's something.

I have applied to be a stock photographer with istockphotos.com and am eagerly awaiting news on whether my application has been approved or not.

So I have been spending a bit of time here and there reading about the policies, best practices, and procedures of capturing and submitting photos.

And of course, as with any brain like mine, I found myself thinking about what it is that makes an excellent, exciting, or likeable photograph.

One of the types of photography that speak to me in the deepest way is a photo that makes me, in spite of all resistances, wonder... wonder the 'who','what'.'where','when', and 'how'. But my all time favourite type of captured moment is the one that makes me wander through the mystery beyond the frame, into the still. Longing to feel the moment, to be in that moment... and before I know - the photo has taken me there.
Then back.
Hairs raised.
That is the difference in worth!
A difference between a 1000 word recipe for south-american jambalaya, and a 1000 word award winning short.

Tell a story with your pictures. And remember, if you aren't drawn to see that story, then how could you ever hope to capture it?